I'm so tired of all this. Exhausted. I want to stop fighting this stupid battle. But I can't. I am so compelled to carry on and I don't understand why. Because I don't want to fail? But why do I find this stupid struggle more important that all the other things it is causing me to fail at? I hate it so much because I know I am doing the wrong thing and I don't know why I am doing it. I can't stop crying. I feel so trapped. And scared because knowledge and reason cannot help me with this.

I think I'm going to try and keep a proper diary! I mean, I want to write regularly. I have kept a regular diary the odd year and it is nice to be able to look back through them. It became such a chore though... but I'm not going to put pressure on myself to write every day this time and since I seem to be particularly reflective at the moment I think I will enjoy it; that it will be quite therapeutic; and that what I write will be something that I want to look back over in the future. I'm not going to wait for January first, its just an arbitrary day; why wait?

I'm not really going to introduce myself for a number of reasons. Partly because I don't expect anyone other than myself is likely to read this; also because I think the details that one gives in an introduction... occupation, stats even aren't really what defines a person... the way they are used in introductions seem to give them too much weight I feel. I'm also hesitant to give out details about myself incase someone from my 'real life' identifies me... of course details about myself will come out but to give a list of facts altogether in one place seems more risky. I shall freely post how I feel though... no one will be able to identify me by that... There is no one with whom I am entirely truthful about the way I feel. Which is quite sad really I suppose. But then, I think everyone has secrets.